Sacrificial Lamb
by leah-chan
Summary: The Unbeatable Trio decide to hook Snape needs to get laid. (First in the Best Laid Plans universe, Hermione/Ginny, Harry/Draco...)


I was bored - and suddenly inspiration from the movie "Clueless" hit me, namely the quote "What he needs is a good, old-fashioned boinkfest!" And - I'm setting wizard age of consent to 17 years of age. If you've got a problem with that, bite me. Grrr... _  
  
  
Sacrificial Lamb  
  
"Argh! If he didn't knock that over on purpose I'll eat my broom!" Harry fumed as he stormed out of the dungeon, a sickly green slime still clinging to the front of his robes. His two friends followed behind, close enough to be considered walking with him, but far enough away to avoid the horrible stench that was wafting off of the verdant substance.  
  
"Only Snape'd have us put Muggle 'Ready Whip' in a potion..." Ron said, attempting to give Harry a sympathetic glance as the boy muttered all the cleaning spells he could think of under his breath. Nothing really seemed to be working.  
  
"Who knew that stuff had magical properties?" Hermione added as they turned the corner leading to the Great Hall.  
  
"I just thought it tasted good..." Harry sighed, glaring at Snape's back as the Potions teacher whisked by on his way to the staff table. "Well, whatever magical propertied it seems to have, it's repelling all cleansing charms I know."   
  
"We have to do something about that guy! If not for us, then for all the other poor souls that Snape's tortured over the years." Ron started as the three of them settled into their usual seats at the Gryffindor table in the great hall.  
  
"Yes, but what?" Harry quirked an eyebrow back at him as he began to take a drink from the goblet in front of him.  
  
"I've got it! What Professor Snape really needs," Hermione started in a slightly hushed voice as the boys leaned in expectantly, "is to get laid." Harry immediately spit out his beverage as he reeled backwards in shock, leaving his formerly-dry sandwich soaked.  
  
"You have got to be kidding me!" Ron protested loudly. Hermione proceeded to clamp her hand over his mouth in an effort to stop the odd glances that were already being shot in their direction.  
  
"I'm not! Think about it! At this school, there's no way that he's had sex in years! Think about it." They did, and Hermione was met with a few thoughtful moments of silence before both Harry and Ron nodded in agreement.  
  
"But who?" Harry asked, attempting to wipe off his unfortunate sandwich with his napkin. Hermione glanced around the Great Hall, searching the candidates.  
  
"Well... Let's start with teachers, first." Hermione said, directing her focus to the head table.  
  
"McGonagall?" Harry offered. She was overly strict, yes, but he supposed she could do.  
  
"No, I think not. In the grand tradition of Transfiguration teachers, I think Professor McGonagall is same-sex oriented." Ron laughed quietly, watching the Gryffindor head innocently bat her eyes at Madam Pomfrey.  
  
"Flitwick?" Hermione piped up. Ron and Harry did a double-take.  
  
"Hermione, what in the world has gotten into you lately?" Harry looked at her as if her robes had suddenly burst into flames. "First you suggest this whole Snape thing to begin with - and now you're proposing guys?"  
  
"What, I'm not allowed a dirty mind?" She gave the boys her patented 'Miss Granger disapproves' look, which was surprisingly directed at something not involving school.  
  
"What is my sister doing to the Hermione we once knew?" Ron feigned a forlorn look as he clasped his hands over his heart. Hermione simply scowled, although she couldn't help the blush that was beginning to creep its way onto her cheeks.  
  
"I, for one, would love to be in on the intimate details of their sordid affair..." Harry continued, grinning wickedly.  
  
"Shut up." Hermione glared as she shoved another bit of food into her mouth. "Unless you'd like to disclose exactly what you do with Mr. Malfoy during those midnight rendezvous, that is." It was Harry's turn to turn a crimson that almost perfectly matched the Gryffindor tablecloth.  
  
"Er, um, weren't we talking about Snape, anyway?" Harry changed the subject quickly, his gaze now fixed on a certain blond-haired Slytherin that was staring back from across the room.  
  
"Anyway, I think one can rule out Flitwick on the grounds that he seems to be a bit infatuated with Madam Hooch." Ron pointed up at the head table, where it seemed as though the teacher in question was attempting to put a love charm on the flight instructor.  
  
"Alright - how about the other teachers? Sprout? Trelawney?" Hermione began to tick the faculty off on her fingers.  
  
"No, neither of them. Caught them making out once at Hogsmead. Had nightmares for weeks. I got nothing but predictions of 'the telling of a discovered secret will result in horrible consequences' in Divination for a straight week." Ron cringed slightly at the memory.  
  
"Alright, then. How about - um... Dumbledore?" Harry was obviously grasping at straws by this time.  
  
"I think we can simply veto that one and move on, don't you?" Hermione said quickly, shuddering slightly. "That leaves... Hagrid? Wait, no, that would never..." The boys nodded adamantly in response. "I actually think both Vector and Sinistra are actually married."  
  
"That's the faculty, then. Unless we want to get into Flich... And I think he's content with simply having a cat. So, what now? Students?" Ron glanced around the Great Hall.  
  
"We'd have to go with 7th years - we want Snape to leave us alone, not end up in prison." Harry insisted. The other two nodded in agreement.  
  
"Do you go to Azkaban for sex-crimes in the wizarding world?" Harry mused quietly as the three of them began to get up from their seats. Ron shrugged as they made their way towards the picture of the fat lady. They had a free hour until Care of Magical creatures and they intended to spend it planing in the common room.  
  
"Anyway, let's not get off-topic here," Hermione scolded, "Gorgon's Head."  
  
"What?" Ron asked, obviously confused.  
  
"It's the new password, idiot." Harry hit Ron playfully upside the head as the trio clambered in through the hole to the fire-warmed room.  
  
"As I was saying." Hermione scowled at the boys as she sunk into a plush chair. "Students. Let's start with Slytherins first. It makes sense - he is their house head and all. How about... Draco Malfoy?" Harry glared at Hermione as if he expected her to suddenly burst into flames from the intensity.  
  
"No."  
  
"I though you two weren't exclusive yet... And Snape's always had a soft-spot for him..." Ron said playfully as he sat in a chair opposite Hermione.  
  
"You are not setting him up with Snape!" Harry's glare intensified, if that was at all possible, at the insistence that his boyfriend become Snape's boy-toy.  
  
"But-" Hermione protested.  
  
"No!" Harry's hand moved towards his wand-pocket threateningly, however Ron put his hand over the other boy's arm before he could inflict any damage on the brunette.  
  
"Fiiine..." Ron sighed, looking crestfallen. "Oh! Wait! I've got it! What about Crabbe or Goyle?"  
  
"Not even Snape's standards are that low..." Hermione explained.  
  
"Only person that'll have sex with Crabbe is Goyle. And vice versa." Harry shuddered involuntarily at the mental picture.  
  
"What about - Pansy Parkinson?" Ron volunteered hopefully.  
  
"Parvatti Patil." Hermione smirked as Harry began laughing loudly.  
  
"Pansy and Draco went on one date. She walked out a lesbian and he walked out gay." He added once he had gotten control of his sniggering.   
  
"Match made in heaven." Hermione added, giggling in spite of herself. "Hmmm... Milicent Bulstrode! She's got to be single! It could work - if you get Snape intoxicated enough..."  
  
"That's exactly why she's engaged to Blaise Zambini. Remember how drunk he got last Hogsmead visit?" Ron said quietly. Hermione nodded in understanding.  
  
"You mean..."  
  
"Like we need those two reproducing..." Harry shuddered.  
  
"Morag MacDougal? He's usually willing." The red-head said complacently.  
  
"Not anymore. Sally-Ann Perk's got him completely whipped. She says transfigure, he says-"  
  
"Into what. I know, it's sad... Such a waste." Harry shook his head dismally.  
  
"What about Ravenclaws? Terry? Mandy? Lisa? Padma?" Hermione uttered, frustration starting to edge into her usually calm voice.  
  
"I've pretty sure that they've set up some sort of group casual-sex thing in that house..." Ron shrugged, looking slightly disgusted.  
  
"Oh yeah! Cho mentioned that once when we..." Harry stopped due to the disapproving glance he was receiving from Hermione. "Don't look at me like that 'Mione - you dated her too!"  
  
"Yeah, well, that was a long-"  
  
"Last year!" Ron interjected.  
  
"Well, don't think you're all high-and-mighty Mr. Weasley, just 'cause you never did anything with her. I remember last Christmas - who asked her out and got rejected?" Ron turned a crimson to match his hair and decided to change the subject.  
  
"Hufflepuffs?"  
  
"Let's not speak of the Hufflepuff threesome..." Harry said quickly.  
  
"Oh no, no, no. Let's not." Hermione concured just as speedily.  
  
"I agree. They may seem all cute and cuddly... Do you remember the day when Hannah Abbot 'accidentally' wore her thigh-high vinyl boots to Herbology?" Ron paled.  
  
"Or when Susan Bones brought her whip?" Harry shifted nervously in his chair.  
  
"You know, I once saw Justin Flinch-Fletchly pay Snape to use his dungeons..." Hermione whispered as she, Ron, and Harry all shuddered simultaneously.  
  
"Want to change the subject?" Ron offered.  
  
"Yes." Harry and Hermione both nodded vigorously,  
  
"I think we're up to Gryffindors now." Color returned to Ron's face as he shook the sadomasochistic images from his mind. "Ummm... Neville?"  
  
"Percy." Hermione shook her head.  
  
"PERCY?" Ron jumped out of his chair, his face once again going red for a completely different reason this time.  
  
"Oops! I forgot - I wasn't supposed to say anything..."  
  
"My own brother's going out with NEVILLE?!?" Ron began to hyperventilate.  
  
"Calm down Ron... Breathe. Put your head in between your legs. There's a good boy." Harry attempted to soothe Ron down as he shot angry glances at a very apologetic looking Hermione.  
  
"How about... Seamus?" She offered in an effort to get Ron's mind off of his brothers almost-squib boyfriend.  
  
"Dean." He and Harry responded simultaneously as Ron's head came out from between his knees.  
  
"Did I miss something?" Hermione responded, puzzled.  
  
"You don't have to share a dorm room with them..." Ron explained.  
  
"Dean's a screamer." Harry added descriptively.  
  
"That classifies as too much information..." Hermione shuddered involuntarily.  
  
"So that takes the guys out of the running... How about Lavender?"  
  
"Still with Cho Chang, as far as I can tell." Hermione replied absently, still stuck picturing Seamus and Dean in one of those itty-bitty dormitory beds.  
  
"Cho in a lasting relationship? Shock and amazement!" Ron laughed.  
  
"She's been with everyone else in her age-group, if she broke up with Lavender, who's left?" Harry smiled, eager to mock his ex.  
  
"So that leaves us three." Ron glanced at his friends apprehensively.  
  
"I'm out, unless you want to face Draco." Harry excused himself happily.  
  
"Ginny'd kill me for cheating on her, then she'd kill Snape, then both of you, then..." Hermione trailed off, continuing to list off Ginny-rampage-murder-victims.  
  
"You're kidding." Harry laughed, unsuccessfully attempting to picture Ginny violently angry.  
  
"Have you ever seen my sister mad?"  
  
"Well no, not exactly." Harry admitted, shaking his head.  
  
"Take my temper."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Double it."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"To the tenth power." Harry pulled out a spare bit of parchment and began to write something down.  
  
"2x to the 10th..."  
  
"Now add prolonged exposure to the Dark influences and Fred 'n George's creativity..."  
  
"I think Hermione's out of the running as well..." Harry conceded, going quite pale.   
  
"And square the entire quantity."  
  
"Then my parents, and finally my cat." Hermione finished the list of victims.  
  
"So that takes care of all people over the legal age of consent, except-" Ron started before stopping for seemingly no reason.  
  
"Who?" Harry asked expectantly.  
  
"Me." Ron blushed a red brighter than his hair. Hermione and Harry immediately burst into riotous laughter.  
  
"How good are you at seducing people, Ronny-kins?" Hermione teased in a very non-Hermione voice.  
  
"I am not going to sleep with Snape just to get him to give us a break..."  
  
"You seemed so eager when it was someone else..." Harry coaxed.  
  
"Look! I'm not going to do it! I refuse point blank! That's final! End of story!" Ron was back on his feet with the rest of the Gryffindor common room staring at him.  
  
"What if it means you'll single-handedly win the House cup for Gryffindor this year?" Harry continued coaxing as Ron sat back down in order to avoid the odd stares.  
  
"Knowing my luck, it'll probably be so bad he'll take away points."  
  
"So you agree!" It was Harry's turn to jump to his feet excitedly, Hermione quickly followed suit.  
  
"We have achieved sacrificial lamb!" She and Harry high-fived before setting back down to plan out Ron's seduction tactics.  
  
  
"Ron, old boy, you're going to go down in History." Harry clapped his friend on the back as the trio sat down together at the Gryffindor table for dinner the next day.  
  
"Hogwarts, A History if I have anything to say about it..." Hermione smirked, glancing at her someday-to-be-brother-in-law.  
  
"Please, last thing I need is publicity. I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of my life." He quivered exaggeratedly as he began serving himself some pot-roast.  
  
"But you're saved my Grade Point Average..." Harry smiled lop-sidedly at his red-haired-friend.  
  
"Alright then Harry - when you're making oodles of money, you're going to pay for my therapy, OK?" Ron shot him another death glare as he violently stabbed his pot-roast.  
  
"Anything for you, Ron. Just tell me one thing, if is was so bad, why are you glowing?" Harry smirked yet again as Ron turned bright crimson.  
  
"What?!?"  
  
"And why did you go back over lunch hour?" Harry feigned innocence.  
  
"I don't know what you're-"  
  
"Is that a hickey?" Hermione poked at a purplish mark on Ron's neck as the unwilling boy sprung back.  
  
"Eek! I, um, er..."  
  
"So do we start calling Snape the Slytherin Sex God, or what?" Harry mused, his face still that of an angel's.  
  
"I have to ask." Hermione interjected curiously. "Boxers or briefs?" Ron gulped at the expectant looks on his friends' faces.  
  
"Green snake-print thong."  
  
"I think I'm going to be sick..." Harry paled, feeling his newly-downed meal begin to rise in his throat.  
  
"That was my third guess, I swear." Hermione laughed joyfully. Today had been good. Their grades were safe and Ron had fallen for her plan ridiculously easily. She couldn't wait to tell Ginny. "I propose a toast. To sacrificial lambs and Snape-in-a-thong!" Harry fell on the floor laughing, and Ron simply glared at his pot-roast until he was certain that he could see whiffs of smoke rising from the meat.  
  
Yes, it was a very, very good day at Hogwarts.  



End file.
